| Tell me... |
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| 08:13pm 10/10/2007 |
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mood:  pissed off
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Does anyone think that a person is an ungrateful, useless, selfish, lazy, cold...etc. person when that same person is the one that is helping the accuser financially...sacrificing her own time and schooling to take care of whatever shit that person needs...running errands that person just happens to not WANT to do...and taking care of other things they have been banned from doing for medical reasons...also taking time off her JOB to do whatever crap needs to be done (and losing that precious money in the meantime)? Is she really deserving...when she stays up late at night, pondering if she should take a second job to help even more...and in the mean time escaping that person just for a few hours more?
Is that person entitled to such accusations? Especially when her birthday will never be the same ever again, especially when she has to be the only thing this other person can tear into when they get stressed...especially when SHE has no one to tear into right back when SHE can't take anymore? Yeah...this heartless bitch actually has a limit... And when she knows all the money she has spent in regards to the situation will NEVER be paid back to her...yet understands it's just the way life is?
Is that person really deserving of the crap she is forced to put up with? When she has to watch every word that comes out of her mouth...fearing it will be taken the wrong way. When she gets tired or she hurts and just lets her words come out in whatever way they want...knowing they will STILL be taken the wrong way. She knows her plans for her future are incredibly altered now...and hopes to God that she can still accomplish them all while she is still young. Hopes that one day she can leave and concentrate only on what SHE wants...DO what she wants...go where ever she wants...have obligations to only people she wants...
Will she be forever trapped in hell...with no possible way out unless she drowns out any moral obligations to this other person and just leaves in the most heartless manner?
I tell you....she is getting close. |
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| Interesting |
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| 04:03am 03/09/2007 |
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I just happened to remember I had this thing...man, it brings back memories...
Does anyone still use these online journal things? Or were they just one of those fads that faded with time? |
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| 04:49pm 01/07/2006 |
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Just for the record...life sucks. |
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| 08:42pm 01/05/2006 |
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mood:  tired music: Final Fantasy VII theme
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Just got back from a week long stay in California...God I'm tired. I just want to sleep this whole week...then graduate! That sounds like a good plan...right?
I have so much homework to do...I don't think I'll be able to get it done tonight either...*falls over* I don't want to work...I just want to friggin sleep!!! *groans* I'm planning on going to school until 4th hour...which is my speech class, skipping that *parties* then coming back later. I have to do a debate tomorrow or Wednesday, so maybe if I can talk to the teacher early enough, I'll be able to set it up after school! That would make me soooo happy!
I'm getting a sinus infection though...from being on a bus for 15 hours straight...hopefully I'll be able to pull off a "sick" day for tomorrow...I could use it to do all my homework then! Yeah...I could have done it perfectly well earlier today...but I had to watch Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children! I just HAD to! And tomorrow the next DVD of Kyo Kara Maoh! comes out, and I'm hoping to pick up Kingdom Hearts 2 soon as well! *squeals* I LOVE that game!
Yup...geeky side really coming through with this entry...oh well...
Ja ne! |
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| New Anime!!! |
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| 09:13pm 20/03/2006 |
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mood:  dorky music: Hateshinaku Tooi Sora Ni ~The Stand Up
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OMGSH!!! I've found my new addiction!
KYO KARA MAOH! IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!!!!!
I'm in love with Gwendal...*sigh* I plan on sitting on my ass and watching all the DVDs so far all week!
So yeah...*cough* That will be all... |
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| 08:07pm 10/03/2006 |
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| You Are Emerald Green | 
Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.
Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.
People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.
But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you. |
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| Hear What I'm Not Saying |
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| 05:03pm 22/02/2006 |
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mood:  distressed music: LOVE ME ~Yami no Matsuei
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When it rains...it pours.
And I could certainly use an umbrella.
I heard this poem today, and fell in love with it. It describes me so well...and I'm sure it describes many more people in the world.
HEAR WHAT I'M NOT SAYING
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the mask I wear!
For I wear a mask.
I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is second nature with me,
but I beg you, don't be fooled.
I give the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny, unruffled,
that confidence is my name
and coolness is my game
and I need no one.
But don't believe, please don't!
My surface is my mask.
Beneath is the real me,
in my confusion,
in my fear,
in loneliness.
But I hide this,
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness
and of being rejected.
That's why I frantically create
a mask to hide behind.
To help me pretend,
to shield from the glance that knows!
If that glance is followed by acceptance,
if it is followed by love, it will save me.
It's the only thing that will assure me
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this,
I don't dare, I'm afraid to!
I'm afraid your glance will not
be followed by love and acceptance.
I'm afraid you will think less of me
that you will laugh at me
and your laugh will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down inside I'm nothing,
I'm just no good,
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play games.
My desperate pretending games,
with assurances on the outside
and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter with you
and tell you nothing of what hurts me inside.
Please listen carefully
and try to hear what I'm not saying.
Those things I need to say but cannot.
I dislike the hiding, honestly I do.
I dislike the superficial, phony games I'm playing.
I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me
but I need your help.
You can help me by holding out your hand,
even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.
For each time you are kind or gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand
because you really care about me,
my heart begins to grow wings!
Very feeble wings but wings!
With your sensitivity,
empathy and understanding I can make it.
You breathe life into me.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
Only you can wipe away from the eyes
the blank stares of the breathing dead.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I hide.
You alone can remove the mask.
You alone can release me
from my lonely prison of panic and uncertainty.
Please do not pass me by.
Please try to beat down my wall with firm hands,
but be gentle -- for inside
I am a very sensitive and frightened child.
Who am I... you may wonder?
I'm someone you know very well
For I am ...................
Every Man!
Every Woman!
Every Child!
by Charles C. Finn
September, 1966 |
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| 01:26pm 11/02/2006 |
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mood: frustrated music: REWRITE ~Asian Kung-Fu Generation
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I don't think I can take much more of this...
I keep bottling everything up. I refuse to talk to anyone about it...because I don't think there is anyone I can trust. My parents are sick of me saying the same old things time and time again. Maybe if they listened the first time, it wouldn't be so bad! And I'm pretty sure my friends just won't care.
I wish I could just tell them I don't care about what they are saying. I wish I didn't have to talk, or listen...I wish I could just sit there and lose myself in my own head.
This torture won't stop...not until I'm dead. I'm sure of it now. I have been struck with something that will never leave, and right now I highly doubt it will get better.
No one notices this. Sure, my behavior changes once in a while, only because I'm tired of faking it. I'm sick and tired of wearing a mask, and even if my face grows to fit it, the pain will still be there...
I hate acting like everything's fine and dandy...because it isn't. I'm sick of being someone that will gladly take on the pain of others and help them through hard times...listen to them...but not recieving any help when I truly need it. It's like "yeah yeah...but my problems outweigh yours." And sometimes...they really don't!
I'm not the type of person that will go up to someone and just tell them about my problems like most people do...I look for an opening, where I can tell the person genuinely wants to listen to me. I refuse to start talking, only to be blown off in the middle.
...but the opening is so hard to find...
No one will know of this pain, because no one really cares. I will be forced to carry this burden alone...
God tells His people that He will lighten their loads...I have yet to feel His help...and that has to be the worst part of it all. Why? Has He abandoned me, or is this only a test? I can't handle all this on my own...there is no way....
I've held all this inside for so long...so long I can feel it eating away at me.
I am falling apart...crackling ever so slightly. I'm breaking down...and one day I will shatter completely.
But who really cares? Who cares for someone who they only see as a place to come and lean on? Who will really care, unless I am no longer there for them?
Everyone has problems...I know that full well...but that includes me...and I will literally break down one of these days, and then I will be swept aside, into a dust pan to be thrown out!
No one will ever understand me...and though the frustration remains...I have lost all my cares about that fact.
All I'm really saying here is that people should realize that EVERYONE has problems. Friends should be there for their friends...yet so few are... |
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| 10:08pm 23/01/2006 |
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Stolen from LilMarron because I have no life, and nothing to do!
1. What time is it? 10:09 PM
2. Full name: Micah Pacha
3. What are you most afraid of ? Not sure
4. What is the most recent movie that you've seen in a theatre: Underworld Evolution
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? Ghost as in demonic spirit...yes. At least what I believe to be so.
6. Where were you born? Florida
7. Favorite New food: "new" food?
8. Ever been to Alaska: Nope
9. Ever been toilet papering? Not really :P
10. Loved someone so much it made you cry? possibly
11. Been in a car accident? Yes, but I wasn't driving
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Croutons
13. Favourite day of the week: Saturday
14. Favourite Restaurant: Good question!
15. Favorite Flower: Don't really have one
16. Favorite sport to watch: Soccer, surfing
17. Favorite Drink: Water, Sprite, Chick-fil-a's lemonaide
18. Favourite ice cream: Don't fancy it too much...but I like sherberts
19. Disney or Warner Brothers: A little of both
20. Favourite fast food restaurant: Fazoli's
2 1. What color is your bedroom carpet? Seafoam green
22 How many times you failed your driver's test? Once, only because the lady didn't read my speedometer correctly through the school zone (it goes up by 2, not 1) it's a long story...
23. From whom did you get your last e-mail: ff.net
24. What do you do most often when you are bored: Get online, watch anime, draw, write, sleep if I can do it without my mother thinking I'm sick...*rolls eyes*
25. Bedtime: Whenever
26. Who will respond to this the quickest: no one...because no one reads my stupid journal
27. Who is the least likely person to respond: EVERYONE because...see above
28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses? see above...
29. Favorite TV shows: Naruto, Inu-Yasha, Yu-Gi-Oh!, CSI, 24, My Name is Earl, The Office...and others!
31. Ford or Chevy: yuck!
32. What are you listening to right now: The loud hum of my computer's hard drive
33. What are your favorite colors: Green, Crimson, Black
34. How many tattoos do you have? None at the moment, though I plan on getting at least one sometime in the future
35. How many pets do you have? 3
36. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Chicken
37. What would you like to accomplish before you die? I would like to be married, with a couple of kids...ha! Like that'll happen! T_T |
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| Quiz |
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| 07:57pm 19/01/2006 |
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mood: groggy music: Eden ~Yami no Matsuei
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| Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking | 
You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.
You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.
You should major in:
Philosophy
Music
Theology
Art
History
Foreign language |
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| More Pointless Ramblings...as always eh? |
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| 08:09pm 18/01/2006 |
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mood: exhausted music: Yuki's Theme ~Gravitation
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Mid terms suck...they really do...
It also sucks that every other school out here already took them BEFORE Christmas break!
-_-' *growls*
And I really don't feel like studying for them either...so far, I'm doing well though. So I'm not too concerned. This habit of mine is going to bite me later on though...oh well...I'll just deal with it then! Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now! YAY!
Speaking of work...they've laid off a bunch of people. I haven't been yet, but they haven't called me in for over a week...I don't really mind...it's been nice to have some time to relax...but I need money!
Skipping over to something COMPLETELY random...
I'm on a DN Angel spree now...I guess that's what you could call it. ^_^' Satoshi is so hot! And I almost like the manga more than the anime...which is fairly strange for me!
Wow...my geeky side is REALLY showing through right now! :P *nervous laugh* but who cares! I love hot bishies! :3
I want finals to be over with already so I can go to my new classes! I have to drop my AP class though...because I REALLY want this other class at the same time...but I don't really mind anymore, because the teacher hates me. And I'm sick of him going out of his way (and bringing the whole class along with him) to please ONE student there! It sickens me! And I'm not learning anything from him that I haven't read in a book. (Yes! More geekiness!) But hopefully there won't be too many problems, and hopefully I won't regret dropping it for that other class...
The band goes to California in almost three months now! I'm so excited! I just hope I'll be able to travel though...stupid doctors...they drew some blood today (God I hate that!) They can never find a vein in me...*sniff* and I'm going to have to go back in sometime later for an MRI of both of my arms...My ulnar nerves (funny bones) are pretty severely damaged for some reason, and it could be because of scar tissue, a fractured bone, or a cyst...which makes me ill to think of...cysts in my elbows?! O_o' *cough* Let's just hope that the blood tests will confirm something so I can fix it!
*sigh* I'm so tired...one can never have too much sleep! I even get to sleep in an hour for finals, yet it feels like I get an hour less!!! @_@ WHY?!!? Tomorrow, I hope to go to bed SUPER early, then I'll be happy! *dances retardedly* Then I'll be all ready to see Underworld 2 on Friday! Hurray!!!
Sorry for all the rambling...I'm bored, and have nothing better to do! (like study) :P |
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| It Hurts... |
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| 05:35pm 09/01/2006 |
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mood: sore music: Dragostea Din Tei ~OZone
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I don't know what's wrong...I think it might be that fibromyalgia I supposedly have...but I wish it would stop! I can't take it anymore!
And my doctor's being an ass about it...as always...refusing to give me anything for it...saying that it's all in my head...$#*! like that.
It's been really bad lately...interferring with my life. I'm not able to do a lot of things I want to anymore...or I can't do them as effiently as I have been able to before...it's a good thing I cancelled that trip to Europe...hopefully I'll be able to travel to California though, with the rest of the band.
But, I did go out and bought myself the complete series of D.N. Angel ^__^ That anime is soooo awesome! |
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| Doctors suck... |
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| 10:38pm 29/12/2005 |
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mood: crappy music: The Devil's Trill ~Tartini
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Ugh...I had to go to the doctor yesterday... >_<
He gave me sooo many pills to take....I swear they'll be coming out of my ears soon!
One of the meds I have to take is penicillin...which, and I quote my doctor, "hope you're not allergic to". -_- Since I've never had penicillin before...no one knows if I'm actually allergic to it...so he's like, "I'm just going to treat you, rather than send you off to all these places to get tested."
Well thank you very much! No skin off your nose if I die! *sigh* Naw...I probably will just get some horrendous rash or something if I am allergic...
School starts again soon....noooooo! *sniffs* I really don't want to go back!
I STILL have to take my SATs/ACTs...and I haven't even registered yet!
I'm sooo screwed for college...
And I still can't sleep...it will really suck when I have to get up at 5 am again...since I seem to fall asleep around 3... @_@ ugh...
But I'm going to get my laptop soon! I'm so excited! I'll be able to do so many cool things with it! |
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| 11:29am 27/12/2005 |
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mood: drained
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Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas!
Right now, I'm still suffering from some major infection of some sort...sinus and chest.
ugh... X_X I want to die! Nothing like spending the holidays not being able to breathe right ^^'
And I decided that I'm not going to Europe. It's just too much money, and we really need it for other things right now...and my parents are convinced I'm not "fit" to travel because of damaged nerves...or some crap like that.
Oh well...I've been thinking of buying a new laptop for a while now...so maybe I'll just do that. But I'm starting to think maybe I should just fix the one we have now...because the one I've been looking at isn't at all expensive for what you get...but it still...it's a lot of money! I might get it anyway though...because it's really small and I can use it easily in college...if I can afford that too @_@
*groans* I wish I wasn't poor!
I just don't know what to do about things anymore...I wish I could just find some rich guy, get married, and not have to worry about college and stuff...but that will never happen.
Oh well...I'm going to sleep more ^_^' heh heh...
Hope everyone had a merry Christmas!!! |
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| The Shoes!!! All the Shoes!!! |
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| 09:35pm 01/12/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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OMGSH!!!!
So, today at work, this guy comes through my lane with like...20 pairs of the EXACT SAME SHOES!!!
No kiddin' either...at LEAST 20 pairs!
And then when I'm done scanning all those...he hands me this God-forsaken PILE of shirts! It was...oh I'd say about three feet tall!
I swear...I'm not exaggerating here!
*sighs* I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome again! I had to type in like 15 barcodes because they "didn't ring up properly".
Ugh...I need sleep...LOTS of sleep!!!
And my pay check would be nice too....
Another random deal...The Legend of Heroes is the coolest game in the world! I love it so!!! Only thing is that it must have been translated into English by some person that doesn't know it very well...because I keep getting sentences like "When we was young..." and "My daugther and I came here on a pilgrim..." :P It's VERY amusing!!!
CHRISTMAS IS IN 24 DAYS!!! |
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| 07:42pm 22/11/2005 |
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mood: hungry
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| Quizzes!!! For Funness Everywhere!!! |
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| 06:12pm 19/11/2005 |
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mood:  hyper
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 | You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause.
Batman, the Dark Knight | | 92% | Lara Croft | | 83% | Captain Jack Sparrow | | 63% | James Bond, Agent 007 | | 63% | Indiana Jones | | 63% | William Wallace | | 63% | Neo, the "One" | | 54% | The Amazing Spider-Man | | 46% | The Terminator | | 42% | Maximus | | 42% | El Zorro | | 33% | </td>
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| JOB!!! |
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| 08:04pm 11/11/2005 |
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mood:  excited
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Oh my gosh! I FINALLY got a job!!! I'm soooo excited!!!
I'm officially the new cashier at the local K-mart! :P Well...it's a start!
The cool thing is that not many people really shop there, so it won't be too busy...
I'm only temporarily hired though, through the New Year, but they may decide to keep me if I do a good job. And if that happens, I get a 25 cent raise! *party* Hopefully the crazy Christmas shoppers won't drive me insane! ^_^'
It was kinda weird though...it happened really fast! I turned in my application like...two days ago, they called me yesterday and set up an interview for today, and then I was hired on the spot! *dances* I'm soo happy now! I can finally get money!!!
WHOOOO!!!!
Now I can have some extra money for my trip to Europe!!! |
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| No Rest for the Weary |
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| 07:11pm 10/11/2005 |
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mood:  blah
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Wow...haven't updated this is like...forever!
Well, I got a job interview tomorrow! I'm so excited! Hopefully I'll get the job, and then I can FINALLY have money!!! *dances around* That would be sooo awesome!
And something very interesting happened...today is the 1 year anniversary of my dad being diagnosed with cancer, and today, he was diagnosed with it again!
Yeah...it came back...and I'm not sure how badly this time either.
Last time, it was stage 3 Melanoma. He ended up losing a toe and part of his foot to it too...and God knows where it has gone now!
I just hope that it hasn't spread into a vital organ or something...
He's going in for a PET scan sometime, hopefully soon. Please pray that it comes out good for him! |
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| 02:04pm 17/07/2005 |
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mood: bored
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9 3/4", Oak, Phoenix
You scored 36 wisdom, 27 bravery, 21 emotional, and 27 martyrdom! |
| Oak signifies wisdom, endurance, protection, and authority. The phoenix tail feather as your core means that you have the capability to be an extremely powerful wizard or witch and that you will defend those you love at all costs. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 32% on wisdom |
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You scored higher than 30% on bravery |
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You scored higher than 37% on emotional |
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You scored higher than 72% on martyrdom |
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solitarywolf88's journal
